You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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