I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Randomize
