we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
