she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
