please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
