So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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