Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
