Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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