My hand turned me down
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
