sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
