I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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