she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
