I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
