I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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