She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize
