The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
