yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
