I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am