I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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