can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
