naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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