it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
