My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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