I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
My vagina just clenched in fear
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