So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
