i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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