What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I checked into jail on foursquare
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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