Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
