so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
