I think i peed on brittanys purse
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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