Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
