I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
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He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
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Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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