the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
