i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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