I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
