Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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