How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
