highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
