you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
