He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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