I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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