all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
