I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
