it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
