How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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