grandma shit on top of the toilet
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
