So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I want to be your penis for a week.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
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