remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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