Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
