why do cheetos always look like penises
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
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