His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I deserve this hangover.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
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