I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Your penis caused this!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
