Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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