I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
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I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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