Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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