I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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