I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
he just fucked me for my cheese..
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
