I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
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Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
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I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy