My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
im so drunk with asians
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.