Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
