shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
