Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
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