for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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