and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
