I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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