she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
