I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
